Don’t Tell Me How to Feel!

Do you listen effectively? Some will acknowledge their listening skills need improvement, while others believe their abilities are adequate to handle their daily tasks. It is the opinion of this author that listening effectively is a skill that needs constant attention. Effective listening often requires emotional intelligence.

As individuals, we listen selectively. Since we are constantly besieged by information from multiple sources, we are forced to sort out which information is necessary to complete our tasks, and which can be ignored.  

An example of this may occur when an investigator asks a victim to describe the events that occurred during a robbery. The victim may begin describing the events, but deviates, starting to complain about his or her feelings of being personally violated. Some investigators will tactfully steer the person back to the requested information, although this may not always lead to the best outcome. As humans, especially in emotional situations, we feel the need to vent our feelings and frustrations. 

Regarding the above scenario, if the victim’s feelings of being violated, abused, or disrespected are not addressed, other relevant information may be suppressed. 

In some cases, people just need to talk. The speaker may be reacting emotionally to a hurtful situation and needs to share their feelings with another person. In these instances, the listener is only required to listen, not to fix the situation.  

When an individual begins to relate an emotional experience, it is important that the listener remains non-judgmental.

The ability to listen and allow the speaker to verbalize his or her feelings, without interruption, is key to showing empathy and building rapport with victims, witnesses, offenders, friends, family members, and others. The speaker needs to share their experience with someone who will understand and confirm that their feelings, under the circumstances, are justified. The listener does not have to agree with the speaker regarding their assessment of the situation. Empathy will be achieved when the listener, without interrupting, allows the speaker to verbalize their emotion without directly challenging the emotion as invalid. The listener should pay special attention to the speaker, attempting to identify the emotion(s) felt. 

If the speaker, because of their emotional state, is unclear in the summary of the situation, the listener may, without interrupting, paraphrase what has been previously said by the speaker. 

“John, from what you have said, it sounds like you were angry and hurt. Tell me if I understand you correctly. Your supervisor had a meeting with staff members, and you were not invited. In the past, all of the staff employees were invited, and you feel as if it may be a personal issue between you and your supervisor.”

Now the speaker is listening to see if the message has been sent correctly. If not, he or she will add additional information, which will further explain their perspective. The speaker will also confirm or reject their emotional state. Many times, for personal reasons, emotional persons may deny being angry, fearful, sad, happy, surprised, full of contempt, or disgusted. 

If a speaker denies having any of these emotions, the listener may tactfully acknowledge the speaker’s denial, adding that most people under the circumstances would feel (identify the emotion). This may make it easier for the speaker to admit the emotion if felt. 

“John, I know that you said you are not angry and hurt, but most people, under the same circumstances, would feel angry and hurt for not being included in a staff meeting.”

The listener must be sincere, not patronizing.

Even the most emotional speaker can detect insincerity when the listener mechanically agrees with everything the speaker says. This comes off as uncaring, pretentious, insincere, and patronizing. It will also destroy any rapport previously gained. 

Every situation is different, although in many cases, the listener is not required to fix anything. The speaker is just seeking a sounding board to validate their feelings as legitimate. In these situations, when the speaker begins to discuss their emotional experience, do not interrupt, offering a similar incident that you experienced. 

This usually occurs after the speaker introduces the topic of discussion. The listener will interrupt the speaker interjecting their own experience. 

“When I was away at college, I had the exact same thing happen to me. A teacher excluded me from a tutorial program because I challenged his political opinion. The teacher was offering her own opinion regarding……….”

By doing so, the listener is changing the subject of the speaker’s emotional experience, shifting the topic to himself or herself, not allowing the speaker to share his or her own experience. 

Do not play “devil’s advocate” by directly offering opposing viewpoints to the speaker’s view of the situation.

“I’m sure your supervisor is very busy and just forgot to invite you.”

“You’re overreacting, maybe the meeting had nothing to do with you.”

By doing so, you are not allowing the speaker to express their thoughts and feelings. You are also saying their feelings are not legitimate. A more productive way to offer opposing viewpoints may be in the form of asking non-judgmental questions rather than making direct statements. These should not be asked in a way that redirects blame towards the victim, but rather offering a different perspective of the situation.

“I can see you are upset John. 
What possible reasons would make your supervisor act like that?”

“John, I know you feel angry. Why would he do that to you?”

“I know you feel hurt John. 
Is anything going on in your company that would explain his actions?”

Asking questions in a non-judgmental manner may allow the speaker to rationally think of alternative reasons for the actions of others. If alternative reasons are obtained, these reasons are being discovered by the speaker, not the listener. Rapport will be maintained. 

Do not say:

“You’re crazy for thinking that way!”

“You shouldn’t feel that way!” 

“You’re better than that!”

By voicing any of the above statements, the speaker is likely to emotionally shout,

“Don’t tell me how to feel!!!” 

This may terminate the conversation. Also, by making any of the above statements, the listener is not allowing the speaker to vent their frustrations. The listener is directly telling the speaker that their feelings are not valid. 

Effective listeners will focus carefully on the speaker’s emotional reactions and try to identify the specific emotion they are feeling. Sometimes, speakers will be very open about their emotional feelings.

“I feel angry about being left out of the meeting.”

“My supervisor ignoring me is very hurtful.”

Other times, the speaker may have to probe for the emotion felt. Once discovered, the emotion(s) can be used to validate the person’s feelings.

“That must have made you angry.”

“That must make you feel sad.”

“I know you feel hurt by what was done to you.”

Do not ask the speaker, directly, if they did anything to cause the actions of others. 

“What did you do to cause them to do this to you?”

“You must have done something! What are you leaving out?”

“There must be some reason for your supervisor to act this way.”

The above statements are judgmental and confrontational. The question shifts the blame to the speaker and invalidates their emotional feelings. 

If the speaker asks you a direct question regarding their experience,

“Why would someone do that to me?”

The listener should respond tactfully to the speaker’s question, considering the speaker’s emotional state. The best scenario may be to redirect your response as a question to the speaker. 

“John, I know this is hurtful. 
Can you think of any reason why anyone would want to do that to you?”

“John, I know you are angry. Have you ever had any problems with anyone in that group?” 

Asking direct questions to the speaker may encourage the speaker to begin thinking rationally, not emotionally.  

In conclusion, listening skills need constant attention. Sometimes people just need to vent an emotional feeling. Nothing needs to be fixed. It is not necessary to agree with the situation. The speaker wants to share an emotional experience with another person. The only requirement is to listen. During these situations, remember:

• Allow the speaker to vent.
• Nothing is required to fix, just listen.
• Do not interrupt with a similar experience. 
• Do not reject the speaker’s feelings.
• Be sincere, not patronizing.
• Do not play “devil’s advocate.”
• Ask non-judgmental questions.
• Skillfully redirect the speaker’s questions back to them, allowing them to come to their own conclusion.
• Identify and validate the speaker’s emotional feeling(s).
• Do not place blame for the situation on the speaker.

Persons reacting in an emotional state are not thinking rationally. The emotional part of their brain has limited their ability to think logically, resulting in a very difficult conversation for an investigator, friend, or colleague. Extreme care should be taken by those engaged in these difficult situations. If the listener speaks without thinking, it is not uncommon for the speaker to turn their anger, fear, sadness, surprise, contempt, or disgust upon the well-intentioned investigator, friend, family member, colleague, or other individual trying to diffuse a difficult conversation.

Liked this article? Grab a FREE Emotional Intelligence Cheat Sheet to Learn More!